i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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