i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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