How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
