Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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