You're my little dorito
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Can I color on your dick again?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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