new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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