After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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