Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
