I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
