So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
