I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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