NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
