He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
high people should be assigned attendants
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
