I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
