I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
