haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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