I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
