Four minutes until I can fart!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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