I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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