i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
