My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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