I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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