I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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