I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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