i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
