Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
