**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
His nipple licking is glorious
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