His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Help me help you realize you are a moron
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
