I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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