she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I want a musical about memes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
