she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
