I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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