I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
