Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
