did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
