he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
