Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize