Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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