Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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