The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
