I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
