If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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