my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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