I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
