Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
