Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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