glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
