I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"