she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.