You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?