where does the pee come out of this thing
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize