90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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