The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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