After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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