so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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