Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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