winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
