Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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