This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.