It's like God shit irony all over that family
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
