You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
