I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
